(Valerie) My brother made breakfast for my one-night stand.
Yeah, I wanted to make waffles.
Were you two hooked up on Snooger?
- He rigged the algorithm. - I wrote the algorithm.
Why don't you stay after school someday?
Michael Carr is sexy.
(Leia) You totally eye-fucked James.
What time do you...
get off?
[laughs]
(Laura) I think Emile might be cheating on me.
Mom's gonna be so pissed.
You're grounded.
- What? - I think she was talking to me.
Oh. Still...
[school bell rings]
Why do we need a human sexuality lecture?
They know we have the Internet.
They also know 1/4 of us already have HPV.
I think we should be able to test out.
You could blow Dr. Tran.
Oh, I'd even use a condom.
Gross!
That's why it's important to get frequent screens.
Now, are there any questions before I move on?
Dr. Tran? I have a question.
Why are guys so obsessed with giving it from behind?
[laughter]
Now that is a very interesting question.
Did you know that humans and bonobo chimpanzees
are the only two animals that have sex face-to-face?
- No. - It's true.
It has been hypothesized by evolutionary biologists
that the sexualization of the buttocks comes from our time
as primitive quadrupeds.
We used to have a direct line of sight
to the genitalia of our prospective mates,
creating an obvious preference for rear-entry sex,
or, as you say, giving it from behind.
However, as our ancestors evolved into bipeds,
our sexual perspective shifted away from the buttocks
and onto something else.
Can anybody guess what that might be? Anybody?
Eyes?
No. Breasts.
See, the animal inside of us still craves rear-entry sex.
But the desire to go face-to-face,
or breast-to-breast,
is something almost distinctly human.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter on TV]
What do you do?
Like, my job?
Hey, do you think maybe you should un-ground Laura?
Uh...she lied to me.
So, no, I do not.
Kids lie all the time. They're lying machines.
Besides, don't you think she's already
hurtin' enough from her breakup?
Wait. She and Emile broke up?
She could use a little joy in her life.
Can you just not pretend to be fatherly?
I'm just sayin'.
Well, I'm gonna have this conversation with Drew later.
I don't need to have it with you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. You're seeing him?
Yeah, parent-teacher conference.
Oh. Will I see you before?
I don't know. Um, Laura I have to go
look at houses later this afternoon, so...
What's wrong with my house?
You knew we weren't gonna live here forever.
I do now.
♪ ♪
[cell phone rings]
- Hello? - Alex, it's Paul.
Oh, uh, hi, Paul.
I'm in the middle of something--
Why are you fucking with our code?
To make it better?
(Paul) Well, stop! It's working!
If you want to obsess about something,
think about how we can expand.
Don't fix what is not broken.
Alex?
- Uh, yeah, I'll call you back. - What?
I'm getting them done.
- Don't be an idiot. - What?
You heard Dr. Tran. Big tits make us human.
That's not what he said.
Whatever.
My mom told me I could do it for my birthday.
Lucky.
Seriously?
Boys don't care. They take whatever they can get.
Okay, Laura.
Has Emile said anything?
He can say whatever he wants.
I've moved on.
I thought your sister didn't want us hanging out.
She didn't say that... specifically.
She didn't?
It was subtext, that I'm choosing to ignore.
You guys have a strange relationship.
How? We love each other and we're honest.
What's strange about that?
I have a sister and a brother too.
We're not honest about anything.
Who do you share the intimate details
of your life with then?
Nobody. I keep them all bottled up inside
like a normal person.
Huh!
What are we doing, anyway?
You'll see.
[puppy barks]
No, we never had pets as kids.
Our parents thought domestication was unnatural.
What does that even mean?
They slept around and left us to fend for ourselves.
- Oh. - It's a wonder we aren't feral.
Whoa-ho-ho!
I don't know, man. Do you know how much work
it is to own a dog?
Ah, it's not that hard. Tell him.
A dog has to be fed, exercised, taken for shots.
Puppies are helpless creatures
that need constant love and care.
See? No big deal.
When was the last time you got shots?
It's LA, nobody gets shots.
Why are you doing this?
Valerie's looking at houses.
So you're guilting her into staying?
Families are founded on guilt. Look at this one.
He's crying for help.
Uh, please don't do that.
Come here. Do you mind?
Yeah, I do. That's why I said don't do that.
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
You can help that dog by not adopting it.
Oh-ho! Tell Uncle Leon how wrong he is.
Tell him how happy we're gonna be.
Why'd you even call me?
'Cause I missed you.
Now, does this one come with accessories,
or do I get those separately?
Soft pelt. Is it a pelt? Coat?
- Coat. - Coat?
[knocks on locker] Nothing happened.
Do you really think I'm that stupid?
Fine, but you can't just ignore me.
Actually, that's exactly what I'm doing.
Fuck it.
I was bored with you anyway.
[phone chimes]
- Carl. - What?
That's what I'm gonna call him.
Do you know anyone named Carl?
No. I hate when people name dogs after relatives.
- Okay. - It's a good name.
Strong, masculine. It's perfect.
He looks terrified.
Yeah? He'll grow into it.
How long are we gonna sit here?
That dog needs food and water.
He'll be fine.
Sit tight. I just had an idea.
Good-looking dog. Is that a...kind of collie?
Hi.
I'm Alex.
I'm April.
Say hi to April, Carl.
Hey.
Oh! [laughs]
So cute! Hi!
♪ ♪
[laughs] Oh, man!
I should've thought of this years ago.
This dog's a lottery ticket.
You're gonna traumatize that dog.
Good luck with your sister.
I hope your guilt trip works.
Leon. Leon!
Don't listen to him, Carl.
Are you hungry?
Oh, yes, you are.
Oh! Who's a good father?
The kitchen was recently updated.
All the appliances are Viking.
They would have been right at home in a place this cold.
What are they asking?
1.5, but the seller is motivated.
It's been on the market for six months.
Can't imagine why.
If you put in an offer today,
you could move in by the end of the month.
It has such clean lines.
Yeah, you could slit your wrist on 'em.
♪ ♪
The listing describes it as "vivacious."
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter]
Did you see that?
♪ ♪
(woman) The ivy blocks out any noise from the street.
I love it.
Oh, it's so peaceful and quiet.
If you have any questions, I'll be inside.
Okay, thanks.
- Talk to me. - About what?
Well, you haven't said anything since we got here,
so what's wrong with this house?
Nothing's wrong with this one. It's a lovely house.
That you don't wanna live in.
I just don't understand the hurry.
I mean, we've been at Alex's for, like, two weeks.
Yeah, I just don't wanna live out
of a suitcase anymore, you know?
So unpack.
Don't you want a place that we can call our own?
We had that, and look what happened.
I love Alex, but I don't...
feel comfortable living in his house.
Why not? He cares so much about us.
Yeah, but he tries to turn me into someone
that I don't want to be.
I'll talk to the seller immediately.
It's a strong offer. You should feel good.
[Anyone Who Knows What Love Is by Irma Thomas]
♪ ♪
♪ Anyone ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Anyone ♪
♪ ♪
He cleaned.
He sure did.
♪ You can blame me ♪
♪ Try to shame me ♪
♪ And still I'll care for you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You can run around ♪
♪ Even put me down ♪
♪ Still I'll be there for you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The world may think I'm foolish ♪
Oh, hey.
Got some of Laura's photos framed.
Figured this place could use some classing up.
Have you seen my...
dress?
Carl, you scamp.
Why is there a dog in the house?
It's not a dog, it's our dog.
You bought a dog?
We like to use the term "adopted."
We?
Animal people.
You're not allergic, are you?
Hey, I know this seems crazy,
but I think Carl is exactly what we need right now.
He's so full of life.
And Laura's gonna love him.
I put an offer in on a house.
Yeah, but...offers fall through all the time, and besides,
what do you know about this place, anyway?
How do you know the seller's not some psychopath?
Do you really want to be living in a kill house?
I think you should really think it through.
Alex, I have.
Did you tell Laura about the dog?
No, I thought we could tell her together.
Okay, but...please don't say it's for her.
You don't have to leave.
I can make this place a home for all of us.
We could be happy here.
Okay, you are such a kind and generous brother,
but I can't ignore my problems in order to solve yours.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that if I don't get control of something in my life,
that I'm afraid that I never will.
Is it too late for you to take a look at my camera?
I can come back.
Um, yeah, sure, give me a second.
Actually, I had another question.
Okay.
I've heard things about you.
What kinds of things?
I don't know. Rumors.
About you and Ms. Hastings.
Ah, yeah.
Are they true?
What do you think?
I think you can do better.
[Bad Things by Meiko]
♪ ♪
♪ How much more ♪
[vibrator buzzing] - ♪ Can you take ♪
♪ If I give you a taste ♪
[knock at door]
Uh, just a second!
[clears throat] Come in.
Okay, I'm heading out.
Anything I should tell your dad?
Oh, uh... thank you for earlier...
with the house.
Did you tell Alex?
How'd he take it?
About as well as you'd expect.
Okay. You okay?
Always.
Good luck tonight.
Thank you.
Okay.
[door closes]
[Carl whimpers]
[Carl vomits]
[Carl yelps]
[Carl whimpers]
He won't stop throwing up. I think he might be sick.
- Could you help me, please? - Oh.
Sorry, I didn't know where else to take him.
- You can't feed him human food. - Okay.
And you should probably put him in a puppy school.
Puppy school?
Yeah, you know, to train him.
Well, I don't want to stifle his creative spirit.
You'll figure it out.
It's hard but it's worth it.
You're saving a life, you know?
I mean, if nobody wants them, they get put down.
Yeah, what kind of world do we live in
where we kill the unwanted?
I know.
Everybody deserves to be loved.
You really believe that?
Yeah. Don't you?
- Valerie. - Drew.
Should we get this over with?
The good news is she's really smart and her grades are fine.
Sounds like Laura.
What's the bad news?
There's a feeling among some of the teachers
that she's not engaging in her work,
that she's just coasting.
She gets that from me, you know. She'll grow out of it.
Oh, it might be something you want to consider
speaking to her about.
I've offered to help her with some of her photography,
but she's yet to take me up on it.
Um, thank you, Mr. Carr, I will do that.
Please, call me Michael.
I'm her homeroom teacher, and I like to be
on a first-name basis with all my kids and their parents.
- That teacher's a pervert. - You two should hang out.
No, he seems more like your type.
Oh, I wouldn't know. I've never had smart before.
Big surprise, you hate being challenged.
Oh, is that what you did, Drew, you challenged me?
No, Val, I just moved on.
Oh, congratulations. I'm glad it was so easy for you.
Yeah, 16 years, it was like pulling off a Band-Aid.
I fucking hate talking to you. I hate all this shit.
Yeah? How's my kid?
I don't know. Call her and ask her.
She doesn't return my calls.
Well, there you go.
Is she okay?
She will be.
Are--are you?
Um...if it's any consolation, you look good.
I put an offer on a house,
and it looks like it's going through,
so at least that's something.
I'm sorry, aren't you on a stipend, same as me?
That doesn't make any sense.
(Franklin on phone) A stipend works both ways.
If he gets 2,200 a month, then so do you.
Okay, but what about my savings?
Shared accounts, and frozen until you decide on custody
and sign the paperwork.
Jesus Christ. I just made an offer on a house.
With how much alimony you're going to be paying?
I seriously advise you rent.
[breathing heavily]
- Hey. - Huh?
Um...let's flip. I want to flip.
Okay.
[both moaning]
[Carl whining]
Actually, maybe let's try it from behind.
Okay.
[whining]
Quiet, Carl.
I think he needs to go out.
- Right now? - Uh-huh.
Just a second. I'm almost there.
Really?
Yeah, you're amazing.
[whining]
Stop it, Carl. I'm losing it.
[barks]
Carl!
Jesus!
You know what?
If you're not gonna take him out, then I will.
Come on, Carl. Let's go.
[soft acoustic music]
♪ ♪
All right, Carl.
Oh! No!
Come on! No. Time to go home, buddy.
Oh, God.
Carl, please don't do this right now.
Carl.
[sighs]
Suppose it wouldn't do much good to apologize.
No.
Can I have my dog back?
Everybody deserves to be loved, right?
Feel like I hardly even got to know him.
You had him for a day.
[Alex sighs]
One of those nights?
One of those weeks.
You wanna talk about it?
Sometimes you want something so bad,
you construct this fantasy that it's all going to work out.
And it never does.
I heard about the house.
Actually, my mom pulled the offer.
You're staying?
Yeah, looks like you're stuck with us.
And hey...
a little fantasy every now and then never hurt, right?
You know who I used to fantasize about
when I was your age?
- Who? - Sigourney Weaver.
From Avatar?
From Ghostbusters.
Me and your mom used to watch that movie every single Sunday.
That was our ritual, no matter how crazy things got.
We always had Ghostbusters.
You are something else.
Who's yours?
- My fantasy? - Yeah.
No, I'm not telling you that.
Uh, I just told you mine.
And that's your mistake.
What? I'm pouring my heart out to you.
Yeah. Come inside and make me breakfast.
Oh, my God. Is it Shia LaBeouf?
Egg.
(Dirty Projectors) ♪ If there is ever ♪
Sunny side, over-easy?
Sunny.
♪ Of why what did or didn't pass ♪
You hung my photos.
Yeah, but don't get a big head about it,
or I'll take them down.
Your mom joining us?
No, she stayed out.
Where?
Interesting.
I know, the woman is full of surprises.
Yes, she is!
♪ And you're always on my mind ♪
♪ ♪
[both breathing heavily]
♪ Whether there is or isn't any position ♪
♪ You care if I take or I don't ♪
♪ I will always hope ♪
♪ What we shared so long ♪
Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah!
[both moaning]
[laughs]
[breathing heavily] That was amazing.
Mmm. Thank you.
♪ ♪
[both laugh]
♪ ♪
♪ Through time ♪
♪ And through many a situation ♪
♪ We both ♪
♪ Look forward side by side ♪
♪ We have shared it all ♪
♪ We have both stood tall ♪
♪ What is mine is yours ♪
♪ In happiness and in strife ♪
♪ You're my love ♪
♪ And I want you in my life ♪
♪ You're my love ♪
♪ And I want you in my life ♪